This page is kind of a journal documenting my feelings and views about my life and the people in it after my catastrophic motorcycle accident in July of 2019.
I am truly blessed to have her in my life. We were pretty much done before I crashed. I was tired of being in a relationship with her. I didn't want to be tied down any longer. She had moved out and went to Tahoe to live with her son. That didn't work out and she didn't really have anywhere else to go so she moved back in. Seems like now it happened the way it was supposed to. She wanted me all to herself (her words) and now she has that. Lucky for me. I don't know where I would be if she had not committed to being my caregiver. I never asked her to. She just did it. When I woke up in the hospital she was there. She has been here ever since. When that old bitch pulled out in front of me I was only doing 35-40mph. I flipped over and just landed badly. Broke my neck in 3 places. Traumatic Brain Injury as well. I was extremely fortunate I kept my mental faculties. The cops and paramedics on scene told Lorna they didn't think I was gonna make it. They life-flighted me to Valley Med in San Jose. I was there about a month then to the VA (Veterans Administration) hospital in Palo Alto for 2 months. There Lorna received a few hours of training how to care for someone with a spinal cord injury. At first, we struggled with the day to day. It was a dark time for me. A dark time for us. After being discharged from the VA hospital in Palo Alto I came back to a 2br apartment where Lorna had setup my hospital type bed in the living room that was partitioned off to give me some privacy. To make it easier to move things, Lorna had pulled up the carpet and put in new hardwood laminate flooring. BY HERSELF! I can't emphasize enough the effort she put into making that overcrowded little apartment functional and comfortable. Because my roommate would routinely steal food, cigarettes or anything he could find (We had to put locks on our cupboards) and for the most part we just let it go, he didn't object to my taking over the front room. My neighbors were nice and helpful at first. One of them even built a ramp for my wheelchair. That didn't last long. Once it was clear I couldn't do anything to stand up for myself all respect they had for me went away. They were so scandalous it still infuriates me when I think about it. Now, after a lengthy court battle, we have moved to Felton. We have our home. We have 2 adorable Yorkies. I had purchased a handicap van, really nice. Since we drove it very little I had only liability coverage and then a fucking tree fell on it. I couldn't believe it! Had to buy another one. People act like I am lucky and I made out well cuz I got a little bit of money. I would give it all back cuz it was too costly. My life literally sucks now. I can't do hardly anything for myself. I can use 1 finger to type, can't really use my hands for anything else. Can't walk, stand, dress or feed myself. Can't go to the bathroom by myself. Like a newborn baby. It sucks!! If I could figure out a way that would not hurt Lorna, I would take myself out. I am SOOOO FUCKING tired of living like this. This IS NOT LIVING. THIS IS JUST WAITING TO DIE. 2/23/2024 11:00.
After talking with my girl, I have decided that I must make a choice. A hard choice...despite the obstacles I have been given, I cannot allow them to define me. I always found a positive in every situation. Things could be worse. God chose to spare my life. I must choose to make the best out of a bad situation. We went gambling for my birthday. Didn't lose much. Ended up just about even! 3/14/2024 18:00.
Well this is an old issue that I hoped had been resolved but unfortunately it has shown it's ugly head again. My gf, my caregiver, has convinced herself that she is the subject of a conspiracy created by myself and my ex (since 2007) Lulu designed to steal her stuff from our house while she is out running errands. Thing is, she only goes there AFTER she gets high! I guess I now know her true opinion of me!! I can't believe she thinks I would actually do that; especially when I have entrusted her with my whole life! It seems to go right over her head the incredible amount of trust I have placed in her. She has access to my bank accounts! When I point out to her this fact she ignores it and just rants about how I don't really care about her and I don't like her. To be honest, prior to my accident I was wanting her to leave me alone and move out of my apartment. I was over her. I am the first to admit i am glad she was there! She just kinda never left and I was in no shape to do anything about it! I have grown to love her and have made made us a team in everything. What choice did I have? I have let so many things go just to avoid conflict. You must understand how much I am dependent on her. I don't know if I could find anyone to replace her so I try and pick my battles. She doesn't want anyone to visit because of how unorganized the house is and normally I am organized and my house was clean. Unless she was there then it was just a mess. Like it is now. I can't go to any other room in my house! I am restricted to my bedroom. No control of my life do I have....So when she starts trippin' I just try and ride it out. I am going to look around and see what options, if any, are available to me. Real Change is frightening in the best of times; in my situation it is terrifying!! I am about as vulnerable as a man can get and it SUCKS!!! Anyway, wanted to put my thoughts here. Til next time. 5/16/2024 17:16.
Hello!